If Musk had a translator: Musk: I’m happy to share our technology. Translator: I invited a female journalist home, telling her I’d show her a giant rocket! She thought I was hitting on her— So I played her four hours of launch footage! Four hours! She fell asleep! How could she sleep through something so beautiful?! I still can’t understand it to this day! She didn’t miss a date—she missed the pinnacle of human civilization! Musk: Zuckerberg is a worthy opponent. Translator: I invited him to fight in a cage! He replied: Send me your location! That guy trains Brazilian jiu-jitsu every day—he even won a gold medal! Even Italy offered to lend us the Colosseum! But my mom said no. I listen to my mom. Musk: I don’t provide any investment advice. Translator: The day I changed my profile picture to Pepe the Frog, PEPE shot straight to the moon! I changed my username to Kekius Maximus, and every frog on the internet went crazy! Musk: Interesting. Translator: “Interesting” means I’m buying. Last time I said “interesting,” it cost $44 billion—Twitter, now called X. Money doesn’t matter to me. I just became the first person in human history with a net worth of $500 billion. Second place? Second place can’t even see my taillights. And shareholders just approved a $1 trillion compensation package for me. One trillion!